Amrita Jones Weblog

Monday Melancholy – Insights and Musings

March 30, 2009 at 4:19 am (autobiography, biography, reality, self awareness) (lovers, melancholy, reality)

Monday Melancholy: “It’s been a very melancholic morning for the music teacher. It’s a day of insights and realizations, deep thoughts and musings. She cancelled a date to sit in the cafe and weep as she sorts through a drawer of questions seeking clarity.

Today she was to have a second meeting with a man she first met face to face two weeks ago, a salesman who within thirty minutes had convinced her to take him home to her bed even though she wasn’t attracted to him. Either he was a fantastic salesman or she didn’t know what she really wanted and both are probably true to some extent.

He is a down to earth WYSIWYG kind of guy wants a regular mistress to satisfy his sexual appetite two to three times a week. He set the deal out on the table like a deck of cards with the confidence and certainty of a seasoned dealer. He lives on the other side of the city and she knew while talking to him that she wasn’t prepared to make the kind of commitment he wants. She’d thought she wanted a steady lover to grow with and he told her he could give her what she needed but the thought of two to three times a week with the one man made her feel uneasy. She didn’t want to give up all her Mondays

Why? Because it was too predictable. She’d know where she was going and who she was going with and she doesn’t want to go there. She doesn’t want to be a comfort woman for a lonely man.

It had started that way in her correspondence with the married man she met last week. He was lonely, and wanted a friendly woman to fuck, no strings attached. That held no attraction for her and she identified his type rapidly because she’d been contacted by so many like him before. But then in one conversation everything changed when he revealed his true nature as a sensual man, and the connection became electric.

To experience a true sensual connection you have to live in the moment and experience every touch and sensation with a mind empty of all other thoughts. Within such a connection there is a universe of possibilities, unpredictable and unknown. The music teacher now knows that’s what she seeks – the unknown and unpredictable, which is why she takes the risks she does with men she doesn’t know, in the hope they’ll take her to new places and reveal new things about the nature of sex, love, life and herself.

She has been with a few men who’ve lived the life of Adonis in their youth – athletic, physically beautiful, desirable. They make love with sureness and skill, sometimes taking her breath away and she has hoped to learn so much from them. But they have been proven to be the least trustworthy and honest of her lovers because they haven’t learned to value what she has to offer. She wonders if it’s because they are unable to accept the aging of their bodies, the weight gain, the sagging of their skin and the lining of their faces. Like herself some time ago, they haven’t learned to accept the face in the mirror as their own and believe they deserve more beautiful lovers making it easy to discard her and women like her. They don’t value her because she accepts what they fear most – aging and imperfection. All is vanity making happiness elusive.

She is starting to see that the men she has been happiest with are those who’ve had to work hardest for self-awareness and acceptance. They’ve all overcome adversity in some form or other that has made them multi-dimensional and interesting to be with – they are not the men of fantasy, physically beautiful or conventionally desirable. There is a mutual acceptance of each other’s reality, which is what makes happiness possible.

She’s learned a lot today. Progress has been made.
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(Via .)