On emotional base jumping
On emotional base jumping: “It’s Monday, writing day.
The music teacher has arrived at the café to write – three hours late.
She’s spent the morning with a new lover.
She has been talking to this one sporadically online for a few months now. He’s rarely available, devoted to his family, in need of sex but a few weeks ago they had a chat that changed her attitude from ambivalence to desire. They talked of sex as a meditation, being fully present, the essence of sensuality. Since then, she’s wanted him with a surprising intensity. Surprising because she’d put him in the ‘desperate for a fuck but not very interesting’ pile in her list of potential lovers. But as is often the case, with time so much is revealed about the value and inner world of a person, and the heart stirs in new, sometimes unexpected ways.
Ever since this journey of sensual discovery began, the music teacher has engaged in emotional base jumping. Instead of protecting herself from emotional involvement, she’s embraced it wholeheartedly in the belief that every experience is enhanced with emotional involvement. She loves freely and easily, the discovery of polyamory helping her to understand that love is not finite and does not have to be saved up for one individual for a lifetime. So she loves, time and time again.
Her love carries no expectation of return, obligation or responsibility. She owns the emotion and takes care of the pain when her love is rejected, or when a lover moves on. But she’s finding it draining to have her heart filled and broken over and over again. She is driven by hope, that at some stage she will meet someone who will cherish her and hold her gently for a time so she can find the jewel of inner light that is a gift to those who find it and experience true connection. She wants to experience the inner beauty of another and cherish it for a time before moving on. But so many of her lovers, after one or two passionate encounters, have taken what she has to offer and disappeared, never looking back to see her weep.
And today, she did it again. He was passionate, tender, gentle, and loving. He used her name, instead of calling her ‘Baby’ or some other generic name used by indifferent lovers. He lay with her in his arms and stroked her back and hair, told her he wanted to be close and acknowledged her sensuality. She experienced him as self-aware and honest, a man of integrity. At the height of her passion, the moment where the essence of humanity is experienced in another, she looked into his blue eyes and saw the beauty of his soul. She will want to see that look again. Whether or not she will is up to him. He has the power, the desired always has power over the one who desires. Perhaps it is equal but for now she can’t know that.
I have taught her to take risks to live on the edge. She is open to pleasure and pain, joy and disappointment, the whole gamut of emotions. Every encounter is special to her because she allows herself to feel. She could become more remote and distant but then her encounters would fall short of the mark and be far less satisfying than they are.
But I wonder how much longer she can do this without hardening her heart. For as long as it serves her. Knowing when to stop is the hard part.
“
On the nature of Guardian Angels
On the nature of Guardian Angels: “The music teacher’s husband wants to know if I’m her Guardian Angel.
If I think about guardian angels I think of the age-old picture of the angel with white wings and a halo sitting on her shoulder with a beatific smile asking questions like ‘Is this the right thing to do?’
If were to sit on her shoulder it would be in my famous red corset with wild hair, a raised eyebrow and mischievous grin to ask questions more along the lines of ‘Is this who you are? or is it who you think you should be? Will you regret not doing it?’ She is living her own morality, an authentic life, and I am there to support her in that.
Guardian Angels are also supposed to keep their charges safe from harm but I don’t do that either. If she doesn’t take risks, she’ll never grow.
My role in the music teacher’s life is to challenge her to live life on the edge to feel pleasure and pain, joy and disappointment, and experience all that life has to offer, pushing her out into the world to find herself.
I am motivated by curiosity, lust and a sense of adventure, not by society’s morality and safety – hardly a Guardian Angel.
“
Introducing Amrita Jones
I am Amrita Jones, a sensual woman who began her life in the imagination of a middle aged music teacher just over a year ago. She has been searching for me within herself for most of her life but she was too afraid of judgement to find me and live the sensual life that awareness of me would bring.
Then one day she began to write erotica and I stepped out into the light and began to live in her reality. First, as a character in the stories of her imagination, a sexual, sensual, ballsy woman who took what she wanted, a woman desired by men and women alike.
Lately she is wanting to be me, living into me, becoming me, to be a fully expressed sensual and sexual woman. The fear is still there sometimes, the uncertainty of becoming a character that will be judged by her world but she is determined for me to exist and grow.
This is just the beginning of being Amrita Jones.
